#015 Accountants

Accountants.  Basically, the only people who actually  like us are other accountants.  Admit it , if you aren’t one of us you just hate us.

We are the ones who screwed up your bill that one time and forced you to spend three wasted hours of your life on the phone arguing about fees and rates.  We caused your taxes to be  that high  and almost forced your children not to eat for a month.  We are the reason little Jimmy didn’t get Christmas that one year.

You are on to us.  You make it your mission to make sure we know our place.  The billing department is the first place where you can call to unleash your anger pent up from an unhappy marriage and an unsatisfying paycheck.  If you find a mistake of ours, you will act like it’s discovering the constitution was a conspiracy.  We know.  It’s okay.  We can take it.  After all, we never had a good self esteem to begin with.  Why start now.

Accounting.  We are the first to be blamed for anything that goes wrong and we are the last person to be let off the hook.   Sometimes we must act like a negotiator in a hostage situation.   Seriously, try to be the poor accounts payable person on the other end of the phone of “I want my money, I want my MONEY, I WANT MY MONEYYYYYY!!!!”

Sometimes I feel more like a 911 operator.  In one day I got three calls, a voicemail,  two faxes and an email to my boss and myself trying to collect on a $3.60 invoice.  I then had to take this call and say ““Ma’m stay calm and tell me what company you work for…..Okay, hold on, please breathe….yes we owe you $3.60.  I will cut a check next week.  Please remain calm.”

To those aspiring accounting students expect one of two reactions from strangers.

1. “Oh my gosh, you are an accountant?   You must be super good at numbers!  What would you recommend for my long term investment portfolio? ”  You instantly become the one that gets handed the restaurant bill to “figure out that crazy split” and you are expected to calculate tips and percentages instantly in your head.  Apparently being an accountant actually means being able a walking calculator.

Weirdly, people also  instantly expect me to know everything that is going on at Wall Street.  Sometimes I wonder if I have one of those red banner ticker things scrolling across my forehead announcing the latest swells of the financial markets.  Or they come running to me with questions about how to budget or refinance.

2. “Accounting, huh?  So you are really boring, right?  You don’t like having fun or making jokes because the numbers have gone to your head.”

Accountants.  We ruin Christmas and we starve children.  We got 300 correct billing statements out the door this month but we messed up yours and now we must pay.

But.  I warn you.  We know your secrets.  Accountants know things.   Don’t yell at us.  We can ruin next Christmas too.